Attention

Since young, I have always received the attention I wanted. In kindergarten, in primary school, even in church, I have always been the girl everyone knew. I was popular. Boys liked me. Teachers liked me. I had my own pack of ‘girlfriends’.


Everyone knew me. I was Shi Qi. I was smart, I was pretty, I was known.


Maybe because of the attention I got since young, or maybe because I crave to be notice. Whatever the reason, I have always been given attention. And I got used to it. Being the center of attention has always been… natural.

I remember in primary school, when I cried (yes I was a cry baby. The thought of what I used to be disgust me) all my friends would crowd around my small little table, trying their very best to cheer me up, saying things like: Shi Qi? What’s wrong?! Are you alright? Don’t cry!


And I have to admit. I liked the attention.


The attention I get when a boy likes me. Even though I act like I’m annoyed with all this, I act like I’m sick of it, as if it happens to be everyday, I like it.

The attention I get when I cry. I like people crowding round me. I like feeling loved.

Perhaps it’s because that’s how I felt the love. Since young. By receiving attention. Till this very day, that’s how I perceive it.



If someone wants to be your friend/ if someone loves you, they need to give you the attention you deserve.



You can’t call me an attention seeker. Because I do get all the attention I want, therefore there is no need for me to seek it.


Then what is this incurable need? Why do I crave to be notice? Why do receiving ‘likes’ on facebook make my day? Am I really that shallow?

I bring my problem to God. I do. Probably not wholeheartedly though.

Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men.

                                                                                                Ephesians 6:7 NIV

WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Recently I have been given God half of my heart. A quarter even. I say I should not. I say I should give wholeheartedly. But what is the use of saying when I don’t act?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men?

If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                     Galatians 1:10

Right now, I think I’m trying to win the approval of men.

I want men to notice me. Not God.

I want to be loved by men. Not God.

And this has to stop. But I can’t do it alone. I get distracted. By the computer. By my friends. By boys. By TV. I am letting myself get distracted!


I need to wake up. I need to break free from this distraction. And I need to do it. Not just words.