Truth

Was talking to Anson yesterday and he told me I shouldn't have been so rude in my ICF exam thing. At first I was offended, going all, the questions were soo weird! And I was telling the truth?! Hello! Do I no have to right to do so? But now I think about it he's probably right. I guess even though I was telling the truth, I shouldn't have done it in a WTH THE QUESTIONS ARE SO DUMB way. And I probably shouldn't have drew the -.- face. Probably should have shown more respect. But I'm still staying true to myself. Still think that writing what I thought was the right way to answer the questions.

But there's this tiny bit inside of me, that's jealous. Or at least I think it's jealousy. Agnes totally 'in your face' me about not getting chosen. Because she got chosen. And she likes to 'in your face' people. Which is mean of her. But she's always mean. So whatever.

According to her, I wasn't chosen to be an officer. Probably because of my rudeness in the exam. And I know I totally brought this upon myself, if only I was a little more respectful. But after hearing what she said there was this voice inside me that wanted to scream,

WTH I WAS BEING TRUTHFUL. WHY DON'T YOU CHOOSE ME?!?!?? 

I MEAN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WERE PROBABLY LYING 

WHEN THE ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS! 

WHY ARE YOU PICKING THE LIARS?! 

(No offence to the other pple who took the exam. Sorry.) 

Okay, that was just selfish. I know, I sound so self absorb. Just because I didn't get chosen doesn't mean I have to say that others were lying. Maybe they really would die for their team. Anyway, to cut things short, I'm jealous. And jealousy is wrong I know that. But I can't help myself. Somehow I feel like I've lost my pride, all the people who looked up to me, are probably going to think I'm just a selfish person who thinks I'm so cool. And sometimes I feel that way too. I don't know. By not getting chosen I feel like I've let God down. I'm letting myself down. I want to be a good ICF leader. I want to lead people to Christ. But my own selfish know-it-all thoughts are stopping me. I'm sorry, Lord. I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense.

Just needed to write it all down to clear my thoughts.